'Signs of the Times'
By Bari Auerbach

At a recent City Commission meeting, RK Shopping Centers received permission to use additional colors in order to create more eye-catching signs for merchants. But despite tough economic times, don’t you think business might really pick up if there were signs like these around town:

“Free Cheese Danish!”: For sure it would be a mad house at Publix if the bakery put up a sign for free Danish. Then sales of coffee would probably increase substantially too – creating a run on filters, Coffeemate, cream, milk, sugar, Splenda and other sweeteners. Of course, all the extra stamina in the community created by excess caffeine would motivate people to work at maximum efficiency levels…So now you can see how a simple sign like “Free Cheese Danish” paired with a coffee cup could really stimulate the economy!

“Discount Chill Pills”: Imagine if Walgreens and Navarro pharmacies could start selling over the counter “chill pills” that could help keep people out on the streets dealing with traffic stay calm, cool and collected. Discount chill pills would be especially useful since for the third consecutive year, Miami has been voted the worst American city for road rage.

Miami topped a poll of 25 cities because its drivers were the least courteous, most likely to run red lights, speed, text and talk on cell phone while driving. But the good news is Sunny Isles Beach has its own shuttle bus service so city residents don’t ever have to get behind the wheel. Think there should be some new signs posted on the shuttle buses that say “Ride Without All the Rage!”

“Speak Your Mind”: If this sign was erected in front of Government Center, more people would know they’re welcome to attend City Commission meetings and express opinions about important issues being considered. For example, did you know on August 21 at 5:30 p.m. you can join the crowd expressing opinions about a bridge planned to connect North Bay Road? Just remember to take an extra dose of your chill pills – or you could have a rude outburst – and be escorted out!

“Bigger is Better”: Restaurants could definitely boost business by endorsing “Bigger is Better” portions and more voluptuous bodies. After all, a plus sized model just won on the show America’s Top Model – thus giving some people a really good excuse to stop dieting and start enjoying more early bird specials. And if the Legislature is persuaded to require restaurants to post the prices of their specials, you may also soon be seeing signs like: “Fine Wine & Lobster – 0 Down & Just 12 Easy Monthly Payments of $9.99”

“No Tow Zone”: Wouldn’t it be nice if RK Shopping Centers would create grace periods so on certain days at specific times you could park and walk across the street to the beach without being towed? The “No Tow Zone” signs would be greatly appreciated, especially considering the shortage of convenient parking places in the city. But on the brighter side, the need for more parking is a sure sign more and more people are discovering all the benefits of life in the city, now boasting the most upscale signs of luxury and prestige!